Applications

After months of filling forms, your doctor’s appointment will begin to read like your latest college application.

Name: Mr. James Owen
Age: 18 years old
Sex: Male
Date of appointment: Freshman, undergraduate, 2019-20
Reason for visit: Ever since I was a young child, I have wanted to visit the doctor. This selfless man with the white coat and the stethoscope asking me to take a seat as a four-year old on Christmas morning with a Thomas the Tank Engine play-set stuck in my mouth, shoved in with Thomas and a few of his mates intact (or maybe not) in pure excitement of the sort only a four-year old high on Nesquick on Christmas morning could be, I was enraptured by this man and his love for his art, and the enigmatic pearls of wisdom he occasionally sprouted.
He spoke seldom, and when he did, it almost wasn’t ordinary human English.
“Aaaah”, he said, and while that should have made no sense at all, somehow, I understood the man. His command over his subjects was complete, his composure and dignified mannerisms subtle, yet screaming.
He nodded ever so slightly and passed me an ancient puzzle, a few scratches on a paper. Once again, while none of this made any sense to me, mum seemed to understand, he was universal; she nodded, although I felt her body relax for some reason, as in defeat.
I—

‘Oh shit, I think I’m close to the word limit, I gotta end this!’

*scratch, scratch*
“—That incident left a very deep impression on my younger self, and for the last fifteen years, I have only had one thought every night that I go to bed: I would like to study medicine at Harvard.”

‘There we are, now we just sit and await that call.’

Ten minutes later, a nurse walks out holding a clip pad and a wearing a concerned expression.

‘Mr. James Owen?’
‘Yup, that’ll be me. Tell me, did I make it?!’
‘Mr. Owen, it’s alright, I’d like you to come with me.’
‘Definitely!’

‘Nurse, where are we headed?’
‘We read your profile, James, and there may be a slight problem,’
‘Oh dear! Would you need an additional portfolio? Recommendations? My thesis from summer research?’
‘No Mr. James, you’re really sick, and just to make sure you’re not a hazard to yourself or anyone around you, we want a little check up.’
‘Nurse, you must have made a mistake, I’m perfectly fine! Take a look at my athletics! I played for Junior Varsity, I’m very fit indeed!’
‘Don’t worry kiddo. It’ll all be okay.’
‘No, no, what does that mean? I’m perfectly fine, I told you, I’m not crazy! Are you rejecting me?!’
Nurse smiles sweetly
‘We only wish the best to you now, and in all your future endeavours. Come with me.’
‘What?! Nooooooooo!!’

Look Around

It’s taken me about three months to finally finish all my college applications, I repeat ALL of them, and it’s only now that I noticed this. The song ‘Look Around’ by Red Hot Chili Peppers is practically written for and about our lives around this time!

Here’s the original song for reference. I’ve written the lyrics below, along with my interpretation in brackets. What do you think?

Stiff club, it’s my nature
Custom love is the nomenclature
[‘Why  (college)?’ essays]
Turn down mass confusion
[Common App]
Hit the road cause we just keep cruisin’
[Campus tours/Moving from one rejection to another]
Double my fun, double my vision
[‘fun’ sarcastically. You work on application essays for six hours straight, are on the verge of glasses then]
Long hard look at my last decision
[Mid December/late March][Also what the colleges never do]
Hustle here, hustle there
Hustle me bitch and you best beware [Us?]
It’s emotional and I told you so
But you had to know so I told you
[Cliche essays]

Soft walk to horizon [Us in every essay]
One big crash that no one dies in
[Application process, as a whole]
This is for the folks in Fayetteville
It’ll come true if you say it will
[As you hover over the ‘Submit’ button, look at the name one last time, and with a sigh, click.][Also, us to Admissions.]

Look around, look around, look around
All around, all around, all around
Look around, look around, look around
All around, all around, all around
[What you do at the beginning of the application process when you wake up and realise you’ve been alive for 17 years and have nothing exceptional to say about yourself.
Grab that scuba gear. We’re divin’ deep.]

It’s emotional and I told you so
But you had to know so I told you

Please don’t look right through me
Hurts my heart when you do that to me
[NEED I EXPLAIN THIS.]
Street life out my window
City made breeze gonna stroke my skin though
Dropped a lot of words on an old brick wall
[‘Old Brick Wall = 750 ft high, made block by block, every time you sit before the blank Common App page with a writer’s block]
Rob a lot of banks got a pedigree scrawl [word bank]
Put my peg into your square
Run around like we just don’t care  [One word: Senioritis.]

Look around, look around, look around
All around, all around, all around
Look around, look around, look around
All around, Oh yeah!

Move it ah got to get ya, want to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, going to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, want to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, going to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, want to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, going to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, want to get you
Move it ah got to get ya, going to get you
[And will this thought with which you end every night end with that coveted letter, or yet another rejection?]

Look around, look around, look around
All around, all around, all around
Look around, look around, look around
All around, Oh yeah!

When I’m feeling small [125?! Can’t you give me more word room??]
And I’m hitting a wall   [I may have written about this in another essay to the same college…]
Wanna feel it all around
When I’m feeling small
And I’m hitting a wall
Wanna feel it all around [say it with me, gang–We can do this!!]

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